According to Him : Men on Dating

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When we are dating or "talking" we always tend to wonder what the guy is thinking. I decided to ask a few guys about their perspective on dating within our generation as well as other thoughts such as what they face on a regular basis when dating women. 

3 Types of Guys

"There are 3 types of guys: the long term guy, the short term guy, and the fun guy.

• The long term guy is ready to settle down and he is the one that most women say they want. However, on occasion he may scare some woman away because he is so eager and ready to settle down and start a life with her.
• The short term guy does not really know what he wants. He tends to be inconsistent, although his intensions aren't bad he is more susceptible to mess a good thing up because he's caught in between holding on and letting go. (i.e. Lawrence with that banking girl)
• The fun guy, usually doesn't care. He is the one who wants to go out a lot and spend money just because he has the time and money. " 

-Ahmed A.

But just as there are types of men, according to Ahmed women fall into those categories as well.

Why He Doesn't Get "It"

A lot of the time when we are dating we become frustrated with the things guys may say or do, and in some cases they don't always understand or it is not intentional. "Some guys are victims of their own actions. Not all men are premeditated assholes," says Ahmed A. As we've heard from artist Jay-Z in his album 4:44 he discussed his realization of his actions and how it had not only affected his wife but his daughter as well. 

“Took for my child to be born, see through a woman’s eyes”

“What good is a menage a trois when you have a soul mate? You risked that for Blue? ... my heart breaks for the day I had to explain my mistakes.”

In this moment Jay-Z acknowledges his infidelity in his marriage, additionally it took until he had a daughter to realize the pain he inflicted on Beyoncè, could in turn affect their daughter Blue if not in that moment then possibly at a later point in her life. 

Men do not always get "it" right away. It could take months, even years for them to truly come to terms with the recklessness of their actions and how terrible it has impacted people they love or loved.

He Has Obstacles Too

There are things that men face when dating or in a relationship that us women have no clue what they are going through, such as holding back and being completely honest. Interviewee, Ahmed brought to my attention that black men tend to battle between effectively communicating their feelings and keeping their image as "the man" and always having "it" together. 

Additionally, men are constantly torn between building their financial status, while trying to maintain the image of being "the man" and having it all together because that is what women are attracted to. However, they also face issues of competing with women in a society where women can make more money than them or competing with men who are non-black. 

"Dealing with the pressure of being “The Man” as in the breadwinner, with a good job, successful, and being able to support our women in a society that is set up for us to be the opposite. The same society has given a lane to for black women to step up and fill that role. So not only do you have to be “the man”, now you have to be more of a man than the women because they’re the bread winners with the good jobs while we’re still getting out sh*t together to get to that. Not saying that it's easy for women, because that far from fact however, it's not as difficult as it is for a man and as a woman there's no way for you to really know what we go through to be “The Man”. In some cases women just turn to the ones that society has set up to be “The Man”, white men. So now that’s another issue to deal with. Also you can’t really be sensitive as a black man, and what I mean by that is, in most cases when a guy is unapologetically showing how much he cares about you or talking about his feelings and the things that plague his mind, he eventually just becomes annoying to the girl because we’re being “too emotional” or need to “man up” and that’s not really fair to men. I can’t blame women for feeling how they do but I just want them to fully understand why things are the way they are for us."  -Kenton M.

The Issues with Dating We Share in Common

Just like women, men find similar issues within dating. When we are at an age where we are more independent yet still figuring it out, we still have problems accepting those who are still figuring it out, or do not have it as figured out as yourself or you'd like. We lack patience for one another. We judge each other based on financial status first and then personality. 

"Thats where I feel like it gets complicated because nobody is really willing to sacrifice for someone they wanna be with. People would rather cut them off and go find someone who’s willing to put them first, but most of the time they don't even want that person they just like the attention and end up trying to come back and “try to make it work” but that person isn't always waiting for you to figure it out either. Plus you got the people out here just trying to add to the rotation of different benefits, for example, a guy they just let take them on dates, a guy for sex, a guy that spoils them , etc and vice versa for men." -Kenton M.

Blurred Lines

The pressing question; What separates talking/dating/a relationship?

The lines that separate these stages almost seem nonexistent at times. Some people consider dating to be a relationship without the title. In my opinion, it depends on the conversation. It becomes a matter of how serious you both intend on becoming with each other. Communication is the main barrier between the three. As we get older, we are not looking to just "talk" to someone the way we would in high school. Many of us feel like if it isn't going to benefit ourselves in any way then why bother. 

In other instances, we tend to move too fast, and skip over really getting to know someone before becoming their significant other. I asked my interviewees, if they felt sex too soon, complicates where a woman stands with them. To my surprise, no. Whether its sooner than later within talking/dating it does not diminish his respect for her. Which is great to hear, however not all men are as forward thinking. 

What Does He Want

Men generally want a woman who is respectful and respectable, a sense of style and humor; who shows humility, appreciation, and is generous with her time.

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Like women depending on what we are looking for we seek more within a person, looking to build, and pursue a deeper connection.